A Brief History of the Smoking Shriner Monkey.

Long rumored for their ability to spin incredible yarns and weave fantastic tales, the Smoking Shriner Monkeys were at one time a staple at secret Shriner gatherings across the globe. Often perched atop a tricycle and sometimes smoking a pipe as an alternative to the less sophisticated cigarette, these monkeys wearing the traditional Shriner fez have long entertained men looking for any excuse to get out of the house on a weeknight without their wives in tow. Mostly steeped in mystery, what little is known about these incredible creatures is as riveting as the very stories they were known to relate over a smoke and a snifter of brandy.

In fact, many Shriner texts trace their very beginning back to a single monkey smoking a hooka somewhere in the markets of India, entertaining with stories and spreading good cheer. For years the human Shriners existed in peace and harmony with their primate brothers. There have been Shriner Monkey ties to some of the greatest authors of modern times and some even go as far as to claim that they have had tales stolen and published in the works of Fitzgerald, Kipling, Conrad, Nabokov, and Hemmingway, to name a few.

Shriner Monkeys had at one time, infiltrated every strata of the modern world. One story hidden deep within Shriner text divulges the fact that Elvis Presley’s chimp, Scatter, was a former Shriner. It is certainly no coincidence that Scatter’s name seems to be a combination of the words “Shriner” and “Hatter” (hatter in reference to the traditional fez). As the story goes, Scatter enjoyed Elvis’ music to such a degree that he left the typical life of a Shriner Monkey to become a personal story teller to the mega-star’s children. The King himself was rumored to love a good story and because in those days everyone smoked in the house, he was not concerned about Scatter’s chain-smoking around the children.

Then, like a fez left out in the rain, the vibrant and untarnished role of the Shriner Monkeys began to fade. After decades of fighting their desires, the Monkeys could no longer resist their chimpanzee urges and over a period of several years, worldwide baby theft rose to an unprecedented rate as the Monkeys attempted to quench their hunger. When Bubbles, one of the most bizarre Shriner Monkeys in history, decided to take residence with Michael Jackson, the last cigarette in the pack was declared smoked. The Human Shriners dispatched a worldwide directive that would be carried out on September 1st (exact year unknown) codenamed “Bring Your Shriner Monkey to Work Day”. On the morning of September 1st (year unknown) at the exact same time throughout the world, the directive was executed. Without warning, all Shriner Monkeys were kidnapped with duffle bags and thrown into the dreaded Shrine Circus factions spread across the globe. Slowly, the Monkeys found themselves exterminated through bizarre circus accidents and today are completely absent from the Shrine Circus. Some may recognize the date of September 1st today as “International Primate Day”. Again, there is a connection that is undeniable.

Thus, as quickly as the Shriners had embraced the Smoking Shriner Monkeys and their principles, they were all but forgotten.

Today, the image of the Shriner Monkey has faded from our collective memory but one must merely look for the elongated fingerprints and cigarette burns that they have left on the Society of Shriners that we know today. The Shriners themselves continue to mourn their loss of brotherhood through symbol and code. Aside from the blatant fez which is still worn in tribute to the Monkeys, smaller, less obvious clues to their existence are literally everywhere. One such example is the go-carts that the old-man Shriners ride in at parades – they are the perfect size for a monkey and a grown man has no business riding in such a cart. Yet despite the blinding pain the older men experience in their arthritic knees, they will forever pay homage to their primate brothers as they remember that sad day in September when they were left with no choice but to throw their primate counterparts into duffle bags and deliver them by the truckload to the glossy-eyed ringmasters of the globe.

Yet despite the Smoking Shriner Monkey's somwhat tarnished past, it is impossible to ignore the joy and wisdom that they bestowed upon their nearest cousins. And when looking at the overall history of the Smoking Monkeys, one can only hope that such bonds between man and beast are still within our grasp.

The following writings are dedicated to the lost Shriner Monkeys of the past, aside from the ones who stole babies for food.

Sincerely,

Kevin Semlak
November 26, 2007